Bert Want’s To Be A Tree

Bert n LuckyEthel Arms Folded

Hiya, Gang.  Did you know Bert Want’s To Be A Tree?

Apparently that’s where all the top movie stars like Smill Whiff & Auntie Sylvie Stalloony started their illustrious careers. 

Ask any Oscar winning film star and they will cheerfully tell you that they started out in their acting careers aged 8 in the school play as a tree, a cactus or even an associated prop such as a throw pillow or a footstool.

Mainly that’s because they were never good enough for a speaking part on the grounds of being unable to speak properly until they were 35.


Smill Whiff Fresh No MoreTake Smill Whiff, for example.  Long before he appeared in The Fresh Prince he was in his school panto as a cactus. 

However, the audience couldn’t put up with ‘The Whiff’ as they called him back then so they never watched him in The Fresh Prince ‘coz deep down they know Smill Whiff just ain’t that fresh at all.

That’s why he never got a job advertising after shave lotions.  They were never powerful enough unless he used industrial strength stuff that frightened all the local cats away.


Now we come to Auntie Sylvie Stalloony. 

Auntie Sylvie Stalloony

She was a sofa in the first series of Murder She Wrote but she couldn’t couldn’t get the blood of her upholstery so she decided to start being a proper looney & hacking people up all by herself. 

That day she bought a machine gun and never looked back.  Look where Auntie Sylvie is today. 

Some-where in America, I hear.

This is a technique that’s worked for almost every single movie star who has ever lived. 

We all have to start somewhere but sadly we just can’t tell you what the famous black and white bloke Bumfree Hogart started out doing.  All we can really say is that it is still frowned upon even in this day and age!!


My Mate, Bert Wants To Be A Tree

Bert In Cell Waving At EthelBert Club

My mate, Bert has his sights set on the stars.  He doesn’t ever let anything stop his drive or enthusiasm, except of course, the local police.  Bert says – If these folks can have an Oscar for being that useless so can he.

So, my mate, Bert wants to be a tree.  He sees it as the starting point of a bright new future that can really put him in the spotlight. 

And not just one of those spotlights they use in prison to make sure Bert don’t get out.



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My Mate Bert Goodnight

We look forward to hearing from you & any stories you may wish to share with our visitors. 

Thanks, Bert.





Filed Under: My Mate, Bert Want’s To Be A Tree
About My Mate Bert 34 Articles
Hello folks. My name is Andre Kish, from Brighton, England. I started working in the business systems industries & commercial sales support back in the early 1980s working with systems tech & software publishing companies. Due to family disabilities, since 1993 I’ve been working from home helping newcomers to online marketing. I aim to provide YOU with the VERY BEST FREE BRANDING & WEBSITE DESIGN TRAINING available anywhere online.


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